In My Room is about my existential thoughts, you guessed it — in my room! Here, I share my ideas and questions about identity, adulting, relationships, and mental health. I’m taking these thoughts and putting them online so that maybe someone somewhere in their room feels a little less lonely on their journey, too.
I’ll be turning 30 this year, and I’ve been thinking about what I want to leave behind in my twenties and what I want to embrace. I know that I won’t wake up a new person on the day of my 30th birthday with a boat full of wisdom and confidence, but I’m looking forward to this new decade. My twenties were… well it’s hard to sum them up in one word. Weeds were pulled and seeds were planted and I see my thirties as a time to continue pulling the weeds that sprout and nurturing whatever is born from the seeds.
One area of my life that I know I want to approach differently is dating. For a very long time, I considered myself an unlucky person when it came to romantic love. However, as a friend of mine recently put it, at some point I need to recognize that if I continue to have the same outcome, maybe I’m part of the problem. It’s easy to say, “I just have bad luck, everyone I date turns out to be an asshole” and much harder to look at yourself in the mirror and ask, “But what part did you play in this? What did you allow and why did you accept it?”
Now, as someone who is consistently hard on myself, this isn’t an invitation to be even more critical of me. I’m learning that I can be self-compassionate and also hold myself accountable at the same time. Yes, I’m worthy and deserving of the love I desire AND I need to know my boundaries and actually enforce them. Even when walking away from that person won’t be easy. Because not everything is black or white and I don’t believe people are either good or bad, but some things are a lot simpler than I make them out to be in my head. It’s often as simple as answering the question, “Is this what I deserve?” The answer doesn’t require analyzing, consulting with multiple people, or following my feelings for the person, it’s a simple “yes” or “no.”
My confidence and self-love have come a long way, and still, a question on my mind lately has been, “Can you truly have self-love without self-worth?” I don’t have an answer to that but they must complement each other, right? That’s not to say if your self-worth is low that you can’t possibly love yourself at all, but the higher your self-worth is, the easier it must be to self-love. I know that I love myself, and I have actions and things I’m most proud of to attest to that, but when it comes to dating, my self-worth seems to be walking on a tightrope, and at times, it plummets into oblivion. It’s like I know what I’m worth and yet, I make exceptions or excuses thinking it might bring me closer to what I’m looking for when in reality it does the complete opposite and leaves me with feelings of self-betrayal. I don’t want to date like this anymore.
I’m not the wisest person in the world, however, I am wise. The answers and guidance I seek are already inside me. I just have to listen. I’ve realized that over time, the once loud and confident voice of my intuition has become a delicate whisper that is easier to ignore. One of my biggest fears is that one day I won’t be able to hear it at all and that loss is bigger than any failed situationship. I’m not closing myself off to dating but right now it’s not a priority. I want to step up my self-worth and I know that’s going to take time. It’ll probably be a life-long journey.
So as I enjoy the last bits of my twenties, I’ll continue to take note of what I want to leave behind and what is coming with me. I’m so grateful for all the versions of me because they are what have allowed this current version of myself to bloom.
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